June 1, 2009
I have made a catastrophic mistake. I mean a FUCKING MAJOR mistake.
None of this nampy pampy horse shit like ‘Oh no, I seem to have emailed the person I happened to be insulting’, or ‘Oh no, I seem to have forgotten to put on my trousers and now I’m outside!’
Believe me, this is much, much worse.
You know that rule that everyone generally knows… you know the one…
‘Thou shall not fool around with best friend of the opposite sex therefore completely ruining the best friendship a man and a woman can have’?????
Well I take it that you understand my predicument now.
Of course I fucking broke it!
He started it though. Him and his ‘moves’. Jesus talk about lack of subtlety! I wanted to laugh and say ‘Is that all you got Mr Swave’?
But no I sat there like a fucking idiot and let it happen.
You know what the worst thing is about this whole situation? The fact that it happened doesn’t even bother me, its what resulted from the hook up thats most mortifying. I’m going to set the scene so you can see for yourself.
Picture it. There we are, drinking and laughing at the tv, crashed out on the couch. He starts off with the whole ‘arm over the back of the couch’ move. The arm moves down to my arm and starts rubbing. At this stage I’m thinking ‘fuck it’ and cuddle on in. Cuddle cuddle cuddle, kiss kiss kiss. *yawn* A ‘You coming to bed?’ from him, a ‘yeah sure’ from me. Go to bed. Things heat up. Yada yada yada.
No knocking of uglies by the way! Just want to make that clear!
Anyway, he’s entirely off the mark, I direct him, he pulls away, I look questionly at him, he says ‘your so funny’ and lies down on top of me. THATS IT!
I mean, I felt like tipping him on the shoulder and saying ‘are you actually going to finish that?!’
Seriously, what the fuck is that?!?!
He then rolls over and goes to sleep and fucking IGNORES me! This guy is my best friend! I can’t explain to you the humiliation and sadness that went through me as I fucking lay there. I heard him starting to snore and I had to just leave. I felt like such a cheap whore walking out of there. I can’t believe he did that to me. I mean, this is a guy who I trust with everything and he just completely fobs me off!
Doing that walk of shame at 5.30 in the morning and I didn’t even have an orgasm before hand to make it worth my fucking while. Mortifying!
Now I’m sitting at home, unable to sleep because I’m thinking of the ramifications of this. My best male friend had his mitts on my lady bits and awkwardness reins. What do you say to someone after that?! Fair enough, a one night stand! You can fuck them out straight after and never see them again, but someone you’ve known the best part of 8 years?!
Screwed. I am totally fucking screwed.
January 11, 2009
Cigarettes smoked so far (7pm): 15
New Year, new resolutions awaiting to be broken. This blog for starters. I’m starting to keep a journal now so who knows, maybe it will help me organise my thoughts better when it comes to this thing. I’ve had trouble before when trying to write a blog. I end up sitting at the screen for about a half hour without writing anything and getting annoyed and heading to youtube and spending the rest of my time looking at stupid videos.
Anyway, today was an absolutely pitiful day. Pissing rain and a wind designed to cut you to the bejaysus. I wouldn’t mind it so much as it’s my day off and I would normally spend the day in bed, however with my mother in the scary sterile place (hospital), I’ve been forced in to a world of housekeeping and errands, something that I’m neither used to, or take pleasure in. As I sit here I’m still waiting to unpack the food shopping and clean the house.
So here came the problem, I had to go out in this weather. At least I didn’t have to stand at a bus stop because I was taxi-ing it the whole way. 30 quid a journey just to see my mum… I really should have started driving that first time round.
After the visit to the scary sterile place, my mother is fine by the way, I had to do a food shop. Nothing much I hear you say, however seeing as I haven’t bought any food other than patté since before Christmas (and which is the only thing that has been here to eat for the past 18 hours), there was some serious spending to be done. It wasn’t my money so I allowed the odd luxury or two. AKA a lovely, yummy bottle of vodka just for me.
Bit of advise. Never, and I repeat EVER do a food shop on an empty stomach. A part of my brain knew I was in the wrong when buying that oat cereal for €4, which I will probably take one bite out of and then take joy by watching it every day for the next two weeks growing mould in the press, however I was hungry and the larger part of my brain said ‘buy it and open some milk from the dairy section, rob a spoon, and dig in.’ I didn’t go with my instinct because the last thing I wanted to do on a Sunday evening was make a scene in Dunnes and be thrown back out in to the cold.
Strange people congrigate in supermarkets. I don’t know if it’s just the light but everyone looks on the verge of death. That and they have serious attitude problems. At one stage I had this knacker teenager and her even scrawnier mother following me around the frozen food section, constantly getting in my way. I was on the verge of slapping the two of them over the head with a leg of lamb, that was on special offer for €4.99 for those of you who want to know. Again I resisted temptation. I’m quite proud of myself actually.
Ok I’m going to get on with the real reason why I went to Dunnes on a Sunday evening in the pissing rain. I have had a plan formulating in my head for the past, well… day to be honest. There is a guy I once hooked up with in my first year in college, who was spectacularly out of my league, and he just so happens to work in that certain supermarket. Now if he’s working there because he’s still in college (which I’m hoping) or he’s just failed in life already like I have (which is most likely), I’m still a bit disappointed. I need a man who can look after me because its not looking like I’m going to get a real job soon, not by choice you understand because I still have absolutely no idea what the hell it is I’m qualified for.
Anyway. This plan. I want him. There I’ve said it. I remember I would see him on the bus to college once out of every three months and he would always stare at me but I’d just look away with a tomato face and then continue to get extremely clumsy and fall down the stairs when getting off! I’ve seen him once in a while here and there and he would look directly at me and I would do the same thing, blush and walk in to something. But tonight was going to be different. He would be there and I was going to take the initiative and talk to him. Or something. Well not really… my plan was actually to look at him when he looked at me and stare at him until he talked to me. Either that or ram him with my trolly. I didn’t want to resort to the last one unless it was a last resort, knowing my luck I’d probably cripple the fucker.
So there I was, walking around the supermarket with my ‘I seem to have forgotten where I am and how I got here’ expression and I see him. He walked passed my isle, on the way somewhere else no doubt, and he saw me. However my plan of ‘seduction’ didn’t quite go as planned. He was looking at me the whole time he went passed the isle, I crashed my trolly in to an obstacle and walked in to my own trolly. I don’t know what the obstacle was, it could have been a terrified child for all I know, all I do know is that when I looked up from my trolly he was gone. I didn’t want to hang around at the scene of the crime so I got myself out of there.
My shopping trip was a disaster. I didn’t get to stare at my boy, I bruised my stomach, I bought food that I probably won’t eat and I’ve scarred a child for life. Well at least I think I did anyway. The idea doesn’t unsettle me as much as I thought it would for some reason.
I’ll just have to go back next week and perform the same embarrassing ritual again. Maybe if I stare at him and raise my eyebrows suggestively, he won’t not only talk to me, but give me his number too. Here’s hoping.
I better put this food away, I think my frozen food has become…unfrozen and my fresh milk is starting to turn.
December 14, 2008
I went against my better judgement and went Christmas shopping the other day. I didn’t manage to get much apart from an outfit for myself that was entirely unplanned and a few bits and pieces. I made a trip to Argos though and burst out laughing as soon as I opened the catalogue and was reminded by a sketch I saw the other day…
“The lamenated book of dreams! Its lamenated to catch the tears of joy!” Seriously I nearly fell out of the shop laughing! Worst thing was, I was actually on my own. So there I was, standing in the middle of a packed store at Christmas time, laughing manically at the lamenated book. I wouldn’t mind but I stayed over a half an hour in there wondering what to fucking get! The trolls working at the ‘delivery hatch’ didn’t help either.
December 9, 2008
Well I just got burned!
Have you ever blocked someone on MSN because they were always a little too enthusiastic when speaking to you and you started to get really annoyed when ever you would speak to them?You’ve blocked them for quite some time and suddenly you see their name on your list and start to feel that small feeling of guilt burn in your belly? And then you do your charitable deed for the day and unblock them? And then as soon as you do they hop online and mail you in, what you know is a sweet and sugar coated annoying voice, ‘Hi!’….. Yes well that has just happened to me now and man do I feel burned! As soon as I saw that persons name appear on my screen all I could think was ‘Ah for fuck sake!’.
Anyway, my plan to blog every day has kind of backfired in my face. I’ve been very sick lately so I’m going to use that as an excuse… sort of.
So I’ve also gone back on my original idea of keeping my recently cleared computer from music and photos. I’ve gone on a rampage and downloaded any music, photos or software I can. The software was so that I could turn the .flav files into mp3’s so I suppose that doesn’t really count. I downloaded a Chemical Brothers album… one of the more recent ones, it has the Salmon Dance on it. Anyway I downloaded it because I’ve had an obsession with a certain song what was used in a certain ad with a certain male in it who I have also become obsessed with…
Mat Gordon… yum! 😀 Its quite pathetic actually, I’ve an entire folder worth of photos of him! And I know he’s gay which just make it worse! 😛 But man does he look sharp in a suit, or out of the suit, depends what photo I’m looking at! hahaha
*cough* anyway…. where was I… ah yes. Bill Bailey! So I watched ‘Part Troll’ again the other day and I forgot how much I loved that gig!! That guy is seriously a genius!
I want to download that BBC news theme and listen to it on a night out or something! hahaha It’d be like that Faithless gig I went to years ago, mad techno music in the middle of a field and everyone going insane and the music around you makes you feel like its the second coming or something! God I love that feeling! Same happened during Chemical Brothers at Oxegen years ago, Daft Punk two years ago and then this year at Electric Picnic when I was on my own with about 20 people, going insane at this random totem pole where there was a DJ box attached to it and this pumping rave music coming from it and surrounding us in the forest… god that was class!
Man my life isn’t half as exciting as it used to be! Maybe its because I’m not drinking as much.. HAHAHAHAHA!
What a depressing thought that is! I have to start going to more gigs, this whole poverty thing is not all its cracked up to be! I’m sick of missing out on stuff just because I have no money! When Christmas is over I’ll start!
Another random change in subject, I’ve been cleaning my room for the past 4 days and I still haven’t managed to dust, hoover, clear the hump of clothes off the floor or completely cleared my bedside locker from glasses and cups. I found a knife under my pillow last night! Thats how bad it is!!! hahaha! And did I bring it downstairs?! Oh no!! I just put it back under and told myself to remember it was there when I was fixing my pillow during the night! ROFL Seriously my level of laziness has risen in this past month. Before it was bad but now its gotten to the stage where I can’t remember what it was like before.
Somehow I still think it involved 4 million hair clips scattered on my bedroom floor…
December 1, 2008
Well I must say I have had a very busy week. Talking to photographers about furthering my career, graduating from college in a subject I no longer find interesting and going to Top Gear live and cemeting my loss of voice for the days following.
I have called in sick to work to ‘rest’ my voice. Yesterday was a nightmare as customers were shouting down the phone asking me to speak up as I wasn’t filling their hearing aid with the right amount of static to produce sound for them to argue to.
But it was all worth it. The Top Gear live was very interesting I must say. Sitting there in a cow shed, with fog hovering over the stage and a very messy hangover, you start to think if this was worth the wad of cash you forked out to see some of your idols act as kids for 75 minutes. However I was left amazed by the end of it. I lost track of the amount of times I thought I was going to witness a death before my eyes!
However I suprised myself by being excited by the exhibition afterwards. I didn’t think I would be the one drooling over a Jaguar but there I was, promising myself to marry well so that my well to do husband could buy me such a machine. God knows I’d never be able to afford one if left to my own devices.
Right I’m getting bored writing this. I knew I shouldn’t have started what I couldn’t finish. I’ll probably write something else today if my mind allows it.
November 18, 2008
I got given a load of cacti for my birthday a month ago. Don’t ask me why. Anyway my mam has been going on at me to water them as I have not done so since I got them. Now, cactus don’t need that much water right?!
Of course they don’t! So a fight started about the exact measurments an inch long cactis needs in water.
Of course I proceeded to go about watering the cactus in the most awkward way possible so I inevitably got stabbed a few times.
Finished with my work, I head downstairs. Just as I reached the last step my mam starts shouting at me again. Bit of banter actually. Anyway she comes out with the line ‘you can’t even be trusted to look after plants, never mind children’.ROFL
This was of course in reference to my younger siblings who I posted about earlier on in the week. The same little shits who have now labelled me a nag. I’m 22, I can’t look after plants or children and I am now a nag.
Spinster extraordinaire is right! 😀
November 17, 2008
I’m in a bit of a situation at the moment. I need to find an outfit for my graduation on the 28th. I’m still trying to decide what style to go for. One part of me wants to get something that reflects my normal style choices and the other half wants to go for something more sophisticated… basically something that I normally don’t go try to achieve on any level.
I’ve spent the last two days scowering the internet looking at different websites, mainly designer ones, in the hope of seeing something that will take my fancy. Although even if I did, its not like I’d ever be able to afford the fucking thing! I found this coat that I have simply fallen in love with…
It is beautiful, no?
Anyway I’ll need to find someone who is willing to fund this shopping expedition as I won’t be able to afford it by myself. The joys of being a failure in the workplace coming back to haunt me once again!